A couple years ago we were asked to share our infertility journey. We were broken, lost, and couldn’t seem to find peace along this tedious and long road. I especially had fallen into a very dark and deep depression. I started to face reality that we may never be parents. At least not to our own children. And adoption was not really something we personally wanted to pursue. In June 2017 we began to pursue our first round of IVF. Which many of you understand is NOT an easy path to take. And it wasn’t. Thankfully at the same time, I sought professional help for my mental health. And I’m glad I did, and would highly recommend it to anyone struggling to become a mom. Through daily meditation, help, love and support from my family and friends, and faith in trust in the Lord, I was able to eventually accept whole heartedly any outcome from this process. Our first round ended in failure due to unexplained results. We miraculously were given the opportunity to try one more round. On October 10, 2017, we received the call we had dreamed of, persevered to, and prayed endlessly for. We were pregnant! On May 5, 2019, we were blessed with two beautiful boys. No, this is not the path I thought, or even wanted to take toward motherhood, but nonetheless, I am so incredibly grateful. It didn’t come easy. We endured 6 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 4 failed rounds of IUI, and 2 rounds of IVF. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.
There are three things I have learned through our journey, and what I want others to know, who are still waiting:
One: Support is EVERYTHING! I know us as women sometimes try to prove that we are strong enough to face tough trials alone, but trust me when I say this. You need support. Having the weight of all the emotions and physical problems that come with infertility, is not easy to carry on our own. Let your loved ones help lighten your load. The love and support I received saved me on several occasions.
Two: NEVER GIVE UP! After so long, I started to feel bitter, I started to lose faith, I started to turn my heart cold, I started to lose the desire to have a child because it hurt too much to want it. I got to the point where I felt I had no purpose if I wasn’t a mother. I’m sure lots of you can relate. I definitely felt like throwing the towel in on several occasions. Now I know my story is different than everyone. There are many of you still waiting, and some that physically will not be able to have their own children. Which leads me to my next lesson.
Three: Having a baby will not complete you. After I got pregnant I thought “Okay, now I’m having my babies and I will be happy and complete now.” And once they were born, in my mind, my life was finally perfect. Today, I am grateful. SO incredibly grateful for my sweet boys. I am SO happy to be their mother, but there are times now (please don’t judge me) where I miss not being a mom. When I didn’t have little hands reaching for all my food when I eat. Sleep, I miss sleep. I miss many things. And I yearn for things I still don’t have now. You will always want what you don’t have. That is part of life. I look back, and wish I would have taken more advantage of the time I had with my husband, without kids. I have learned that I need to be happy in my circumstances now. Yes, children are a joy, a blessing, we wouldn’t trade them for anything, but we have the power to stay positive, optimistic and enjoy life in the moment. If we don’t, we will regret the time we waisted yearning for other things. So be happy. Be sad some days, but be happy in the life you have now. With the people in your life now. You have purpose, you have meaning, and you are needed. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I hope and pray through your journeys, you find peace and happiness in the life you have now and in the future to come.